Getting unknown and creepy DMs everyday via Instagram/Facebook/Twitter is such a HUGE HONOUR(!!), I could burst into tears right here at my laptop (but I won’t, because I would be that stupid pussy crying in a Starbucks. Don’t judge, I love their coffee and the free WiFi).

Anyhoo, while I spend my days writing blogposts, posting pictures (never of my dinner/lunch) on Instagram, browsing through Facebook cat videos, I often pause to enjoy the DMs and PMs left by my adoring followers and ‘fans’.

I’ve noticed there are several types of people who send me such messages, so I though, you know, it’d be fun to categorize them for you.

Let’s start!

  • *People-Whose-Parents-Laugh-At-Their-Jokes-Therefore-They-Think-They-Are-Comedians*

These lovely people take the time to let me know EVERY CHANCE they get whether or not something I have posted/written is funny. Comments like, “Not your best work, Anshul,” or “Your captions used to be funny” are some of their favorites.

 

If you aren’t still familiar this person, I’ll give you a hint : You know that kid your parents would force you to invite to your birthday party? Yeah, it’s that kid as an adult!

They often have 2-3 accounts, with one being their official and hence ‘verified’. And by verified, I mean, it has a ‘diamond’ 💎 next to it.

Yeah, by putting a blue diamond emoji after your name to fool people into thinking you’re verified NEVER WORKS!!! Makes you look cheap. Get famous the old fashioned way, by posting nude photos on the net.

 

  • *Guys-Who-Over-Sexualize-Everything-Because-They-Still-Hang-Out-With-Their-Bro-Pack-And-Go-To-Clubs-Almost-Thrice-A-Week*

These bros are always killing it in the sex comment department. I had a guy write me, “You’re the funniest fucking chick I know.” Then he went on to add how he would totally “rip his dick off and throw it at me,” which was SO SO GODDAMN SWEET, that I would have used his severed penis to wipe up all the tears I would shed from all the sweetness.

In a nutshell, these guys offer to do things to me that would make Charlie Sheen blush. Adorbs!

 

  • *Bossy-People-Who-Are-There-to-Give-You-the-Help-You-Never-Asked-For *

I once insta-storied, “When a dog wags their tail at you, you fucking pet that dog.”

That sentence was met with people asking what kind of dogs am I referring to, because there are certain ones, especially stray dogs that have rabies and cause infections if we touch them and I should only stick to domestic dogs only so that I don’t die.

It’s safe to say these people are never the life of the party. I posted a picture of myself on Instagram in Rome, and was immediately told which hotel I had to stay at because apparently I’d spend 5 hours driving there without any plan or idea of where I’m going.

These people are easy to spot, because they begin everything with the phrase, “You need to…” followed by some arrogant, self-righteous comment.

They most likely always leave voicemails and post viral scare stories (MANUKA HONEY NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF HAIR LOSS!! COCA COLA CONTAINS LIVER JUICE!!) to their Facebook pages, warning to their friends and family to be careful.

They need to be stopped.

 

  • *People-Who-Insult-You-And-Then-Add-“Just-Joking”-When-You-Confront-Them *

There was a recent video that I was tagged in, on Facebook, where 2 super retarded people were cycling, and they “accidentally” fell off in some puddle. Coincidentally (TOTALLY!!), this was filmed and yeah, it went viral.

You’re following me so far, right?

Ok.. so.. back to the story.. what pissed me off was how EVERYBODY STARTED BELIEVING HOW TRUE THIS WAS…everybody was laughing their asses off (no really, it wasn’t funny at all!!! If it was genuinely funny, I would admit..). So i commented the following:

While it’s “not my best work,” many of the replies I got were from these people. “You don’t deserve to be on this planet.” or, my personal favourite, “I wish an alien abducts you.”

I get the feeling these people are simply trying to get my attention–but while they did get my attention, what they wrote was so unfunny I could punch a wall.

Occasionally, people will write something beyond rude or mean like the above.

Occasionally I will direct message them and ask why they are being such giant twatfaces. And they almost always come back with “Jeez Relax. I thought you could take a joke.”

I could take the time to explain how comedy works, but then it would be exhausting.

  • People-Who-Believe-That-They-Need-To-Comment-On-Everything

These know-it-all(s) can’t wait to read the latest news about politics, sports, and celebrities just so they can fucken weigh in with their bullshit commentators .

They have an answer to everything, even when there’s no question. I am not kidding!

If it’s sports, they act as if they’ve had several stints as an NFL GM.

If it’s celebrity gossip, they will let everyone know how they once saw that celeb in a Starbucks and they didn’t look as good in person.

And politics is the worst. It’s a port-a-potty of arrogance and shit crammed into a comment box.

Here’s a tip for these people: Ask yourself if your political opinion could ever be swayed by an anonymous person on the Internet. No? Exactly.

Oh and of course, Syria!! How can I forget Syria!! COMMENTING ABOUT SYRIA.. ON UNRELATED VIDEOS!!!

 

  • People-Who-Think-They-Are-Your-Friends 

I recently went on a holiday by myself to Europe and “documented” it via Instagram. People I have never met wrote things like, “Why did you come to Europe again?” “Where is your family?” “Are you getting married?” “Why aren’t you working?” “Did you get fired because you are such a bitch?”

(Sometimes these people can be a combination of multiple categories, I’ve described above).

The fact is, I have a lot of leaves to clear, and I love travelling. Also, I am going through this phase in my life where I am “trying to find myself”. In the spirit of always trying to be honest with sharing my life on the net, it’s only fair to let this be known. I don’t mind discussing it on my own terms, but for a person to simply post something like that, then assume I would spill my guts to a stranger on a social media site is I-can-see-Russia-from-my-backyard stupid.

  • Creepy-Foreign-Guys-Who-Want-to-Be-Your-Friend

Not exactly sure what is going on with these folks. Maybe they know that wealthy Nigerian prince from my junk e-mail folder who needs money to get back home, or the doctor who wants to make my penis bigger. They are weird as shit, yet actually really make me laugh. Some of the DM’s I’ve received are “Come to Italy i want to be you friend.” “You preetty lets sex.” and “I like you face I’m good sex penis.” Awww.

 

  • My-Drunk-Ex-Boyfriend-Who-Hates-Me

Ummm.. you know..

That’s all for now… FOR NOW.