I was just looking at my calender today, and then I realised one thing.. 13th the Friday falls just before the Valentines’ Day this year. Coincidence? I think not. I won’t lie, but I was reserving this post for Friday the 13th. But scrolling down my Facebook and Instagram feed with incessant Valentine’s Day related statuses/ photos just made me uneasy, and I had to blog about it today.

Also, FACT: I HAVE NEVER HAD A VALENTINES IN MY ENTIRE LIFE BEFORE. NEVER!!! And I am going to be 25 this year, by the way. And sure, I would have had my share of good and bad relationships, but never have I ever had a Valentines. Why? Because I chose not to! Simple. There we go!

DISCLAIMER: This post is not a typical, super-sweet, advisory post. It is filled with incessant sarcasm and a fair amount of profanities. If this offends you, because apparently you are SUPERRRRR EXXCITTTED for Valentines’ Day, then please exit. Over and out.

14th February, the worst holiday of the year. And what’s worse is that it falls on a saturday this time. Which means, that my weekend is ruined. Also, I am pretty fucking sure you can express your love to your bf/gf without actually dropping $100 on a bunch of flowers which would literally die in like 3 days. Seriously, priorities people, priorities!

But despite all that, I love Valentines! And you know why? Because of drama that unfolds during office flower-delivery time. Sounds familiar? Let me explain!

 

TYPE 1: THE BLACKMAILER

*Enters the flower delivery guy.*

  • He’s holding roses mixed with kitten’s breath (or whatever that filler shit is called)….
  • At this point, you’ll see the women perking up from their desks and from behind their computers eagerly awaiting some random dude holding $200 worth of garden in his hands to call their name.
  • Then he says a name, “Lisa”.
  • Everyone’s heart sinks (Tina even starts crying!) except for that Lisa who proudly raises her hand and pretends to act as if she didn’t know it was coming!!!!!! Like she didn’t threaten to withhold blow jobs from her husband if he didn’t send her office flowers!!!!!
  • She says lame shit like, “Oh my GOD, I can’t believe Harry sent me flowers. I told him not to!” (huge fucking lie by the way!), or or… “That sneaky guy, he said he wasn’t gonna send me flowers this year and he did! He’s the cutest! I loveee him!” (crock of shit, if you ask me!).

 

TYPE 2: THE LYING COW

  • And then……There are the women who send flowers to themselves…(which is the ultimate in pathetic behavior!).
  • Maybe they do have a husband or boyfriend, but they actually call A FLOWER SHOP, place a flower delivery order, have the card signed with a dude’s name, and deliver that shit to their office.
  • This seriously happens!!!! No kidding!!!!!
  • They act just as surprised as the first group of women, except their dude doesn’t even know this shit is going down!!

 

TYPE 3: THAT OVERLY JEALOUS WOMAN

  • Then there’s the jealous group of women.
  • Maybe their husband or boyfriend did send the flowers, but he fucked up.
  • He sent half a dozen (which btw, probably costs $100), while the nosy annoying lady in human resources gets a full dozen, which is grounds for couples counselling.
  • How can she pretend her relationship is better than everyone else’s if her bouquet is half the size of that HR bitch’s bouquet? Right?

 

TYPE 4: THAT UNLUCKY LADY

  • My favorite group of ladies!!
  • These are the ones who fail to get their flowers delivered at peak gloating time.
  • Yes. There are special times to receive your office flowers!!!!!!!
  • If your flowers arrive at lunch, it’s like they were never sent in the first place …
  • 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. are peak showboating office flower-delivery times. (What’s the point of getting the flowers if everyone can’t see you get them?)
  • Last year, one of my coworkers got her flowers at lunch… her (now ex-) boyfriend may as well have shit in a box and mailed it to her. She was UTTERLY destroyed by his insensitive gesture. What an asshole!!! Needless to say, he is now her ex-boyfriend.

I hope this rant lightened you up a little. Now look around your office at the ladies prairie dogging behind their computers when the flower guy shows up. Idiots!!!!!

 

PSPS: It’s okay to be single. And who says you’re going to be valentine-less this year? Spend it with the person who loves you the most…AKA..yourself. Gift yourself some delicious chocolates and indulge in perfumes!!! Trust me!!